Penguin Teeth

When I was in elementary school our school news featured a weekly brainteaser question, a different one for every grade. The student, or students, who answered correctly received some kind of small plastic trinket or candy. I was in third grade then and considered myself pretty clever for my age group. My young heart skipped a beat when they announced the category: Animals. Animals were my specialty. I had every dang issue of Zoo Books magazine known to 90's children and I had perused multiple discovery kids books on all things that crawl, fly, and swim. Whatever the question was, that prize was surely mine!
I remember practically twitching with anticipation in the seconds between category and question. I clenched the edges of my hard plastic chair and leaned forward as if somehow being closer to the T.V. would elicit a faster reading.  "here it comes..."

And the big brainteaser question for all the third graders

"How many teeth do penguins have?"

I inhaled sharply, feeling the sting of doubt in the pit of my PB and J laden tummy. I knew plenty about penguins. I knew the parents took turns guarding the egg, I knew they huddled together for warmth, I knew they ate fish and slid on their bellies, and I knew they lived in Antarctica, but I could not for the life of me recall how many teeth they had! I don't think I had ever read anything about their teeth! I frantically searched the traperkeepers of my mind for every image of penguins I had ever seen but still, no teeth! I was grasping at straws. I felt the answer was there somewhere, I had to know it but it just would not come! I began to get angry as I imagined another third grader in a distant classroom scrawling down the correct answer with ease. It just wasn't fair! The person with the right answer was probably an eskimo exchange student. He was probably straight from Antarctica. He probably had the chance to casually count penguin teeth over his weekends! What cruel fate! I knew I couldn't possibly match up to that but I was determined to try. I had to give it my best guess!  I wiped the beads of sweat from my brow, grasped my pencil with concrete resolve and boldly etched my answer into the stark white paper.

"32"

From rags to rags in a new state :)

Well updating this blog has become a necessity. Not because my insides are inflamed with burning emotions that simply must be conveyed lest I burst at the seams (they aren't, it's an icebox in there) but because I have moved away from all my friends but I'd still like for them to be a part of my life and know what and how I'm doing. I guess that I could share that with them one-on-one, but I'd rather do it here and maybe get paid for it with adsense. Let's be real, few things that require effort are worth doing if there is no money being earned, that's just how I feel. Heck, sometimes even the money is not enough motivation.

What can I say about living in the mountains? For the hundredth time, and certainly not the last, my life has changed in many ways; but still the things that have the greatest bearing remain ever the same. Before I was the stay at home parent and Joshua the breadwinner, the reverse is now true. Before we had two cats, now we have one and a dog. Before we lived in the ghetto, now we live in the trailer park. Just as could be said of my life, there are many things that remain constant between the two living situations although they are VASTLY different; either way both are completely unfavorable in the eyes of many and it's not hard to see why.

Our park looks like a hurricane blew through nearly a year ago and no one bothered to pick up the debris. Plastic bits and children's toys are scattered through yards like wildflowers, trailer skirts hang and droop from their sidings, sometimes completely discarded and laid in the yard for an indefinite amount of time. Bubba, who lives everywhere and finds use for everything, leaves his bits and bobs anywhere he pleases. One hundred old tires? check! Rusted truck with no tires? check! Old toilet? super check! Super big gulp cup? Got it bud! Pretty much any sort of thing that is unwanted after a flea market ends up in and around Bubba's house. Bubba is my neighbor. Did I mention he likes dogs? Three dogs in a pen meant for one, right out my backdoor.....fuckin' yikes. Ahhhh but there is an upside to this. Since it's clear that basically anyone can do whatever the hell they want here, that means that I too can do as I please. I use this new power for good.

In our old ghetto apartment we had no land and we were not allowed to have any potted plants in our front area (where all the sun was, go figure), here I have peas growing in cinder blocks, squash in a cooler, radish on a railing planter, and a milk jug bird feeder. It may look a little trashy, but it's high-class compared to the business going on next door. I'm practicing building skills as I remove rotted fragments of baseboard, cutting and applying new quarter-rounds over the bits where the shoddy workmen left a gap between the flooring and the wall. I have also removed panels and flattened unruly nails and staples, spackling and sanding to make a wall flat for wallpaper. I have even built my own load-bearing shelf :D! Almost everyone around has a pitbull, and many folks let their dogs roam about unsupervised. This lax dog policy made it just the right time to get my own "dangerous breed", our chow chow puppy, MeiMei. This may not seem like much to gain in the face of Bubba and his plastic hordes, but to me, this new found freedom is life! I now live somewhere so trashy that I couldn't possibly make it any worse than how I first got it, this  means endless possibility and freedom for exploration! This means everything to me!

The very best part of living here is a secret! If you travel through this tundra of trash and trailers, past the dogs and the trucks you find four-wheeler trails leading deep into the Georgia woods. Hopefully you're clad in shorts and galoshes because the four-wheelers have turned great swaths of the path into muddied puddles laden with tadpoles. You can try to wear tennis-shoes and hop across the dry strips between the tire tracks, but this is ill-advised as the mud is largely composed of clay and a good slip is likely. This trail runs alongside a lovely gully with tumbling grey water. After large storms the water is deep and dangerously swift, but typically you can wade through without even getting water in your boots and explore paths on the other side. The path is not linear, it ends and loops, and forks and makes crossroads but it's easy to navigate thanks to certain obvious landmarkers like a large fallen tree, a small streamlet through a gash of red clay, and the ever-singing creek. I seem to find more trails the more I wander, I still don't think I have explored them all! One way leads to a fine treehouse, another to a pond in a clearing with a spectacular view of the mountain, another to the road and back again. Of course this land is owned by someone, but unlike in Gainesville, he's a really nice guy and gives people free reign to camp and explore as long as they respect the nature. Back in Gainesville you get arrested for even considering exploring a large chunk of uninhabited land. I don't miss it at all, just my friends. Every day I am thankful to be here. Even if I'm still broke and the prospect of a cushy future is as dim as ever, I AM PROUD! I can't be going nowhere at a dead-end job because I have GONE SOMEWHERE! I have accomplished something monumental! I don't need a break or vacation because I'm on a vacation all the time. I have left my hometown!

I MADE IT IN THE MOUNTAINS!



I am thankful for my new job and the good people there.
I'm thankful for MeiMei, the canine best friend to stave off the loneliness of being in a new town.
I'm thankful for the creek and the trails through the woods.
I'm thankful for the kind people who allow others to enjoy their property.
I'm thankful on my morning commute to feel small beneath the mountains.





And hell, I'm even thankful for Bubba.

It's March

Sorry the last few entries have been pretty lackluster. A lot of telling and not a lot of engagement or even decent jokes. For some reason it's harder for me to convey happiness than it is frustration or sadness and lately things have been pretty cool. Sad and frustrated motherhood blogs are interesting because that is the stuff that all moms feel but don't like to admit. That's the stuff that other moms read when they're at the end of their ropes and think "thank god, I'm not the only person who feels that way!" I like being candid, it goes hand-in-hand with being a real human being. I guess it's because typing up a paragraph of how amazing your child is runs the risk of containing a lot of cliches like "light of my life" "my whole world" "my heart outside of my body" and a million other overused momisms. OK we know I love her, we know she is awesome. No reason to bore my readers to death about it, you can find that on every other mom blog ever made; probably on the mom blog with the vegan toddler named Quinoa Chrysanthemum who has never eaten a booger in her entire life.

So

While this started as a motherhood and pregnancy blog it is now simply a life blog as not to limit myself from talking about other goings-on. You see, I'm in the works of having a short story published on an online review and in my bio I have provided the link to this blog, therefore I should keep it fresh and updated so newcomers don't think I've already dipped out of the writing experience.
(If you found yourself here from Ampersandlit.com welcome!) I kind of stopped writing for awhile because I felt like there was nothing left to say about motherhood at this point in time, although I know that the future will bring more. Things have fallen into place. While I'm still far from professional mother figure I feel like I've at least got it down to where there is nothing new to share. Diapers, walks, wipes, and bottles, you can guess how it goes.

As attest to my novice status I will admit that I cracked up while reading nursery rhymes when I found this little gem

"Sleep baby, sleep
father will guard the sheep
mother will shake the dreamland tree...."

And here is where I lost it. What? I most certainly do not shake "dreamland trees" while you sleep. I do nothing of the sort. I am beside you, sleeping as well. So don't kick me in the fat pouch.

another unfinished lackluster post, written in march published in April.

Month 3

Again typing on my iPhone so excuse the typos.

After all the hollering and ungodly screaming of the past, month 3 has arrived like a burst of sunlight through black clouds. All the things I couldn't stand before have faded away and for now, there are no more mysteries. She cries when she has a reasonable need and if you predict them and read her body language, the crying ends before it begins. She has cried for a grand total of 20 minutes today. Combined. No more crying just because and screeching because you sat down in a chair. Dixie is now officially my best buddy.

Instead of sitting in the dark being hollered at we now have a lot of fun together. And not just me, daddy too as she is now recognizing faces!  Now when we go on walks she looks around curiously, sometimes babbling and waving her arms around. I can leave her on her floor gym and she is fine playing by herself, no need to be in my arms 24/7. This little lady talks to herself, plays by herself, and gives herself giggling fits with her toys. She babbles to anyone who talks to her. She smiles like an angel when you kiss her on the cheek. She is my best little friend in the whole world now! Her personality is really beginning to develop.

She gets upset if she's ignored, and being asleep next to her should she wake up first counts as ignoring her. She flails her arms around and fusses until you open your eyes, but once she sees you're awake she beams and giggles and never stops smiling. For some reason she especially loves seeing her daddy in the morning, she won't take her eyes off him and her smile never fades.
She loves pushing herself to learn new things. As you can see in her rolling video on Facebook, she tries really hard to master mobility. She strains, she grunts, she furrows her little brows and rocks back and forth. Sometimes she seems so angry that I decide to aid her in flipping back over and she HATES that! It makes her so angry every single time! So although she gets frustrated, I try to not intervene unless she's really upset.
She likes her cats. She loves to watch them and a happy meow in her direction almost always makes her smile. She has responded with some babbling before too.

Everything else I'm thinking

Night 2. Another afternoon coffee, another tired body and busy mind. Another entry on the iPhone so whatever typos.

Today was my 26th birthday. It was ok. I saw a lactation consultant, drove back and forth across town, and played with Dixie. I have been celebrating my birthday bit by bit over the past few days so the mundanity of today didn't bother me too much. Went to the UC on Friday, hang out at my parents house on Saturday, and had Small House for dinner and a slice of super delicious chocolate cake on Sunday. Overall I can't really complain.

Except I'm going to.

Everything is great. My parents and Grandparents gave me the most wonderful gift I could've gotten. And overall the past few days have been pretty good, but why do I feel kind of sad? I could have done more. We have a little extra cash. My parents offered to watch Dixie for the night but I declined because, simply put, I just don't feel like doing anything. Whatever I think of doing it just doesn't really seem like any fun anyways, either that or it seems like a coping mechanism for an underlying problem.

Birthday aside, I am depressed. I've been depressed. It's not really surprising. All new moms are depressed. You spend everyday in isolation in a cluttered house being screamed at, of course you get depressed.

Now back to birthday, if I had gone somewhere to eat again to cheer myself up I will be eating for the wrong reason and enabling a bad habit of emotional eating. Eating is for sustenance, I'm done eating as a pick me up.

I considered buying myself a gift, but that is just as bad. I shouldn't need to spend money to cheer myself up. Its not right to rely on a shopper's high and waste money when we are so tight with bills. I tried to think of something I truly needed that justified that behavior, but there is nothing so I decided against that.To shake the feeling of unhappiness I did some sit ups, push ups, and side crunches. I figured what does eating and shopping do but release endorphins? I'm just moody because the weather has messed up my workout routine. These helped at the time, but now lying in bed I can't help but face these feelings and it's too late to start working out again I really miss riding my bike.

I'm considering getting rid of a lot of stuff.

It seems like we have a lot of stuff but really  after all the moves we are down to basics. Even still I'm in the mood to purge. The question is what is freeing and empowering and what is gloomy dramatics?   A lot of the things that did make the many moves are craft supplies and I am considering parting ways with them because I don't think I will ever have the time to do crafts again. Same story with puzzles.

I wondered when I got pregnant how I would change once I became a mother. The answer is that you become nothing else.

So happy birthday.

Everything I've thought

Here's everything I'm thinking about as I try to go to sleep: You'll probably see a lot of typos. It's late and I'm using an iPhone, whatever.

Annie was right it's really antnoying when people are telling you left and right how you should care for your baby. It's double annoying because they're just trying to help so you can't really be outwardly mad so you just have to choke on it and wear a tight smile like you've had plastic surgery.

I told myself "if I have this s 2nd coffee right now it won't really mess with my sleep." Now here I am, tired but unable to sleep.

When we will ever get ahead? Things were going good then Josh got downsized. I mean we are doing  ok with help from my family but damn, I guess I just miss having some disposable income. I'm spending too much time  online, looking at all the adverts, getting that greed and jealousy in my heart. Craving possessions when I have all the happiness for free.

I have no real want, or need, of any concern as of today. As far as life goes, things couldn't be better.

Dixie has been an angel as of late. You can put her down and she will hang out by herself. She smiles a lot and babbles, she plays with toys and watches her shows. She holds her head up herself and is working on crawling. She's great.

I got a hydroponics kit at a resale store. I want to get that going soon. I always love to have plants inside but all the apartments that poor people can afford are practically windowless. 1 tiny gnome window per room. Terrible for plants. No plants would be possible if I didn't have the hydroponics kit. Finally, indoor living flowers.

I'm considering cutting all my hair off. I miss my pixie cut.

I love cleaning and fussing over my plants and let's. I wish Dixie would fuss even less so I can do the things I love. I love her and I love to fuss over and take care of her but seeing my bathroom spotless just makes me feel at ease.

I want to start back at school but we are so short on cash I will have to get a job. School plus work plus baby seems a little bit much to just bite off right away. I know. Other women have done it! But listen, I work hard but my spirit is a fragile thing. If I do nothing but school and work and baby all the time and never have moments to enjoy myself I will get all depressed feeling like I'm toiling my life away and I'm just a soulless wraith slogging through endless obligations. Then I'll cry in the shower and lay motionless around the house waiting for my soul to just leave my body in search of fun times.
Bad stuff. I will ease my way back into the workforce, just a couple of days a week, then try and squeak in a class or two.

Finally tired. Good night

month two

Just reread month one.
Still bad.

Except now her hair is fuzzy and she smiles during those rare moments when she's in a good mood. She also now grabs things occasionally, can hold her head up by herself for a good while, she likes to watch me dance, and she giggles sometimes. Mostly she giggles at her own reflection. She has also outgrown some of the newborn clothes and is already wearing some 3 month old things!

At least at this point she only cries when she has a reason to cry. They aren't all very good reasons to cry, ("hold me while bouncing or walking or I will scream! No you can't sit down!") but at least they can always be remedied and it's not just hours on end of screaming just because. So there's that I guess.

Bad, but not as bad. I guess I will keep her lol

The cold weather that everyone was so anxious for is ruining my life. We normally go on walks in the mornings around the nearby park. There is a senior rec center there so there's a little health trail thing with different exercise equipment to use. I will do a brisk lap or two with her, use the equipment do some wall push ups or some squats or basic yoga, you know things you can do while baby wearing. This is usually enough to give a little endorphin boost and keep me pretty cheery. Now it's just too cold. I would be OK in a hoodie and moving to get body heat but what about Dixie? The wind cuts right through those footie jammies. (Of course by the time I publish this the Floridian winter will probably be over)

I do yoga at home when I can but honestly when I'm here the mess makes me not really want to do anything. If I'm inspired enough to work out I'd rather just use that feeling to launch a good cleaning campaign.

There's something nobody touched on during my pregnancy.

Yes everyone says, "just let the house get messy while you take care of baby it's not a big deal"
that's fine advice for most but what about us small percentage of diagnosed OCD moms? I literally can not rest if my house is disgusting. I am embarrassed just looking at it. I think I would feel a lot better to be stuck in the house all day if it was clean. I clean a little bit everyday to keep it from looking like a total disaster but still, it's never at optimum clean anymore and that really irks me. I used to be known by my friends for having the cleanest apartments anyone our age would have. My favorite compliment was from a friend who said "you have the cleanest bathroom I have ever seen!" I think I smiled for that entire year off that.
Now when I'm in the bathroom there's hairs all over! People hair, cat hair! Everything needs a fine layer of chemical mist followed by a 2 hour scrubbing. Not to mention after the move and the baby Josh was laid off so I never got my bathroom organizer. There's nowhere to put deodorant, hairbrushes and dental supplies except right on the bathroom counter which looks terrible.


But luckily for me as long as I baby wear her I can pretty much do any sort of cleaning, except the really good chemical spraying kind.

Baby wearing has really been a godsend. I have the fussy bundle of hell kind of infant who screams at the top of her lungs if you are not holding her. Lugging around 11lbs all day can really put a damper on your spirits, not to mention keep your hands tied for the next ohhh....4 months. For reasons stated above I can't go handless for the next 4 months thus....baby wearing! Looks like baby is 2016's must-have accessory! I won't be caught dead without her on!

We have 3 carriers here. Two Infantino front carriers, one which I haven't used yet and one Moby Wrap. Let me share the pros and cons of each.

I'll start with the Moby Wrap.

Pros:

• First off, she loves it. When she was a teeny tiny newborn often times it was the only thing that helped her chill out. She sleeps really really well in it, I mean REALLY WELL and will sleep there for hours on end.
• It's toasty! With these cooler winter days it's helps to have a carrier that is essentially a giant blanket. Keeps both me and baby warm.
• Something about the tightness of the wrap and the give of the fabric makes it perfectly ergonomic for babies to snuggle into. She gets in that good fetal, frog-squat position and you don't have to worry about her posture or breathing.
• Last, it doesn't hurt my back with prolonged use.

Cons:

• It takes a minute to put on and it's kind of a pain in the ass. When baby is screaming like she's being eaten alive by ants, time is of the essence. It's not really a lot of fun to listen to that mess while making sailor knots around your body with a long piece of fabric. Then when you think you got it and you put the baby in, turns out it's sagging or twisted and now you have to take it off and do it all over again. Not to mention baby's cries have gone up 5 decibels due to being messed with yet again. That really sucks!
• There is no real head support. If you manage to put baby in at the perfect angle and baby is asleep with their head turned inward you can tuck their head into the side and now you're hands free. If baby is taking a minute to calm down, or if baby is wide awake and looking all around you lose 1 hand to keeping that big old potato head up. This kind of defeats the purpose of a carrier.
• It's toasty! Yes this was a pro, but I live in Florida so most days of the year it's actually a con!

Infantino Breathe

Pros:

• Super easy to put on and adjust. You got it on in seconds flat and baby is well on her merry way to shutting the hell up. :)
• Breezy! Only one small section of your stomach gets sweaty! A lot less than the Moby Wrap on a hot day.
• Anyone can do it. Moby Wrap takes practice. This is the thing to hand over to uncles and husbands when on the go.

Cons:

• Not comfy for baby! Baby just kind of dangles there and the super upright position makes Dixie gargle saliva in her sleep. She can sleep in it and she's ok but the noise is disconcerting. She tends to wake and stir more in this carrier than the Moby Wrap.
• Not comfy for mom! Prolonged use and my back is killing me. Like right now she is snoring away in it and I am deep breathing as a coping mechanism.

 Personally I prefer using the Moby Wrap if we're just chilling but when I want to exercise or get things done I go with Infantino. But lately I have been using the Infantino because I left the Moby Wrap in the car and I forget to take it out every single morning before Josh goes to work. ;-;

So there ya go. My second product review. If you recall I did one earlier on the Snoogle body pillow. That thing is so awesome!

So I guess to sum up month two I'd have to say I'm still not exactly having a super great time, but she gets better everyday. Everyday she shows more of her personality, she cries a little less, smiles and giggles a little more. She hangs out by herself without freaking out a little bit longer and we have more fun together.

I can't wait to see how next month will go!