Fear of Death : Fear of Living

My last entries have been culminations of my fear of living. Fear of being a shit mother with no real career or purpose, fear of having my daughter recognize me as a nobody, and fear of being chastised for my lack of contribution to society. Apart from all that, as the due date gets closer I now deal with the very real fear of death during childbirth.

In little over 2 months I will be faced with the very "psychedelic" experience of childbirth. There's no real reason to suspect that this should bring about my demise, yet there is also no guarantee that it won't. I suppose I could also reason that realistically I could die at any moment, for any reason, and there's small proof that childbirth should up the ante at all. As a matter of fact I nearly died the other day when a large branch snapped overhead and crashed a few feet away while I was taking out the trash, but this occurrence doesn't keep me curled up in fetal position in the corner of my room.

I once said I wasn't afraid of dying because it's easy to do and everyone does it, but when faced with the possibility (even at a chance of 1 out of 8,000 to 30,000) it's not so easy to believe. It's not fear exactly like you get afraid of bugs or being alone in the dark, but a deep sadness to think you could be prematurely separated from those you love. There was several times where I had wanted to die. Looking before me, I faced nothing but endless obligations with no joys in sight, but now there is a lot on the horizons and I would be an incredibly angry ghost to be taken out of the game at this time. So should I win any kind of raffle, let it be the one at Hogtown reptiles for the $50 store credit, not the death during childbirth lotto.

Anyhow, no mortal can cure my anxiety so there is no point in reassuring me unless you have personally called up God and Jesus in George W. Bush style and they straight up told you that Dixie and I would be 100% ok.

If I should die let me know in advance so I can stop doing my homework and go to the beach instead. I'd hate to spend the last few months of my life scrawling away about photosynthesis.

Alright it's done. With this extraction of my fears from my head to the internet, it's pushed away and locked into a deep dark corner  with all my other fears of failures and shortcomings and unexpected negativeness.

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Annie is helping me plan my pre-halloween baby shower. Please show up so it's not just a bunch of older family members sitting around and tittering about my giant belly. I'd really like to have fun.
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So what else can I update the world on? Not much. Time unravels into the distance and the due date draws ever nearer. I am beginning to imagine that this is actually going to happen. Everything will probably actually be ok.

I feel sore a lot, tired a lot, and a little bit mopey. When I feel good I clean like crazy.