Month 3

Again typing on my iPhone so excuse the typos.

After all the hollering and ungodly screaming of the past, month 3 has arrived like a burst of sunlight through black clouds. All the things I couldn't stand before have faded away and for now, there are no more mysteries. She cries when she has a reasonable need and if you predict them and read her body language, the crying ends before it begins. She has cried for a grand total of 20 minutes today. Combined. No more crying just because and screeching because you sat down in a chair. Dixie is now officially my best buddy.

Instead of sitting in the dark being hollered at we now have a lot of fun together. And not just me, daddy too as she is now recognizing faces!  Now when we go on walks she looks around curiously, sometimes babbling and waving her arms around. I can leave her on her floor gym and she is fine playing by herself, no need to be in my arms 24/7. This little lady talks to herself, plays by herself, and gives herself giggling fits with her toys. She babbles to anyone who talks to her. She smiles like an angel when you kiss her on the cheek. She is my best little friend in the whole world now! Her personality is really beginning to develop.

She gets upset if she's ignored, and being asleep next to her should she wake up first counts as ignoring her. She flails her arms around and fusses until you open your eyes, but once she sees you're awake she beams and giggles and never stops smiling. For some reason she especially loves seeing her daddy in the morning, she won't take her eyes off him and her smile never fades.
She loves pushing herself to learn new things. As you can see in her rolling video on Facebook, she tries really hard to master mobility. She strains, she grunts, she furrows her little brows and rocks back and forth. Sometimes she seems so angry that I decide to aid her in flipping back over and she HATES that! It makes her so angry every single time! So although she gets frustrated, I try to not intervene unless she's really upset.
She likes her cats. She loves to watch them and a happy meow in her direction almost always makes her smile. She has responded with some babbling before too.

Everything else I'm thinking

Night 2. Another afternoon coffee, another tired body and busy mind. Another entry on the iPhone so whatever typos.

Today was my 26th birthday. It was ok. I saw a lactation consultant, drove back and forth across town, and played with Dixie. I have been celebrating my birthday bit by bit over the past few days so the mundanity of today didn't bother me too much. Went to the UC on Friday, hang out at my parents house on Saturday, and had Small House for dinner and a slice of super delicious chocolate cake on Sunday. Overall I can't really complain.

Except I'm going to.

Everything is great. My parents and Grandparents gave me the most wonderful gift I could've gotten. And overall the past few days have been pretty good, but why do I feel kind of sad? I could have done more. We have a little extra cash. My parents offered to watch Dixie for the night but I declined because, simply put, I just don't feel like doing anything. Whatever I think of doing it just doesn't really seem like any fun anyways, either that or it seems like a coping mechanism for an underlying problem.

Birthday aside, I am depressed. I've been depressed. It's not really surprising. All new moms are depressed. You spend everyday in isolation in a cluttered house being screamed at, of course you get depressed.

Now back to birthday, if I had gone somewhere to eat again to cheer myself up I will be eating for the wrong reason and enabling a bad habit of emotional eating. Eating is for sustenance, I'm done eating as a pick me up.

I considered buying myself a gift, but that is just as bad. I shouldn't need to spend money to cheer myself up. Its not right to rely on a shopper's high and waste money when we are so tight with bills. I tried to think of something I truly needed that justified that behavior, but there is nothing so I decided against that.To shake the feeling of unhappiness I did some sit ups, push ups, and side crunches. I figured what does eating and shopping do but release endorphins? I'm just moody because the weather has messed up my workout routine. These helped at the time, but now lying in bed I can't help but face these feelings and it's too late to start working out again I really miss riding my bike.

I'm considering getting rid of a lot of stuff.

It seems like we have a lot of stuff but really  after all the moves we are down to basics. Even still I'm in the mood to purge. The question is what is freeing and empowering and what is gloomy dramatics?   A lot of the things that did make the many moves are craft supplies and I am considering parting ways with them because I don't think I will ever have the time to do crafts again. Same story with puzzles.

I wondered when I got pregnant how I would change once I became a mother. The answer is that you become nothing else.

So happy birthday.

Everything I've thought

Here's everything I'm thinking about as I try to go to sleep: You'll probably see a lot of typos. It's late and I'm using an iPhone, whatever.

Annie was right it's really antnoying when people are telling you left and right how you should care for your baby. It's double annoying because they're just trying to help so you can't really be outwardly mad so you just have to choke on it and wear a tight smile like you've had plastic surgery.

I told myself "if I have this s 2nd coffee right now it won't really mess with my sleep." Now here I am, tired but unable to sleep.

When we will ever get ahead? Things were going good then Josh got downsized. I mean we are doing  ok with help from my family but damn, I guess I just miss having some disposable income. I'm spending too much time  online, looking at all the adverts, getting that greed and jealousy in my heart. Craving possessions when I have all the happiness for free.

I have no real want, or need, of any concern as of today. As far as life goes, things couldn't be better.

Dixie has been an angel as of late. You can put her down and she will hang out by herself. She smiles a lot and babbles, she plays with toys and watches her shows. She holds her head up herself and is working on crawling. She's great.

I got a hydroponics kit at a resale store. I want to get that going soon. I always love to have plants inside but all the apartments that poor people can afford are practically windowless. 1 tiny gnome window per room. Terrible for plants. No plants would be possible if I didn't have the hydroponics kit. Finally, indoor living flowers.

I'm considering cutting all my hair off. I miss my pixie cut.

I love cleaning and fussing over my plants and let's. I wish Dixie would fuss even less so I can do the things I love. I love her and I love to fuss over and take care of her but seeing my bathroom spotless just makes me feel at ease.

I want to start back at school but we are so short on cash I will have to get a job. School plus work plus baby seems a little bit much to just bite off right away. I know. Other women have done it! But listen, I work hard but my spirit is a fragile thing. If I do nothing but school and work and baby all the time and never have moments to enjoy myself I will get all depressed feeling like I'm toiling my life away and I'm just a soulless wraith slogging through endless obligations. Then I'll cry in the shower and lay motionless around the house waiting for my soul to just leave my body in search of fun times.
Bad stuff. I will ease my way back into the workforce, just a couple of days a week, then try and squeak in a class or two.

Finally tired. Good night