Everything else I'm thinking

Night 2. Another afternoon coffee, another tired body and busy mind. Another entry on the iPhone so whatever typos.

Today was my 26th birthday. It was ok. I saw a lactation consultant, drove back and forth across town, and played with Dixie. I have been celebrating my birthday bit by bit over the past few days so the mundanity of today didn't bother me too much. Went to the UC on Friday, hang out at my parents house on Saturday, and had Small House for dinner and a slice of super delicious chocolate cake on Sunday. Overall I can't really complain.

Except I'm going to.

Everything is great. My parents and Grandparents gave me the most wonderful gift I could've gotten. And overall the past few days have been pretty good, but why do I feel kind of sad? I could have done more. We have a little extra cash. My parents offered to watch Dixie for the night but I declined because, simply put, I just don't feel like doing anything. Whatever I think of doing it just doesn't really seem like any fun anyways, either that or it seems like a coping mechanism for an underlying problem.

Birthday aside, I am depressed. I've been depressed. It's not really surprising. All new moms are depressed. You spend everyday in isolation in a cluttered house being screamed at, of course you get depressed.

Now back to birthday, if I had gone somewhere to eat again to cheer myself up I will be eating for the wrong reason and enabling a bad habit of emotional eating. Eating is for sustenance, I'm done eating as a pick me up.

I considered buying myself a gift, but that is just as bad. I shouldn't need to spend money to cheer myself up. Its not right to rely on a shopper's high and waste money when we are so tight with bills. I tried to think of something I truly needed that justified that behavior, but there is nothing so I decided against that.To shake the feeling of unhappiness I did some sit ups, push ups, and side crunches. I figured what does eating and shopping do but release endorphins? I'm just moody because the weather has messed up my workout routine. These helped at the time, but now lying in bed I can't help but face these feelings and it's too late to start working out again I really miss riding my bike.

I'm considering getting rid of a lot of stuff.

It seems like we have a lot of stuff but really  after all the moves we are down to basics. Even still I'm in the mood to purge. The question is what is freeing and empowering and what is gloomy dramatics?   A lot of the things that did make the many moves are craft supplies and I am considering parting ways with them because I don't think I will ever have the time to do crafts again. Same story with puzzles.

I wondered when I got pregnant how I would change once I became a mother. The answer is that you become nothing else.

So happy birthday.