month one

Can't believe one month has already flown by and now I've taken so long to start on this entry that it's nearly been two months. I know a lot of mothers say things like "it's been too fast oh my god!" let me tell you no it wasn't. Dying of thirst while completely immobile under a sweaty baby, seconds have crawled like eons, sneaking by on tiptoes at witch's hour, your eyes bulge from your head as you choke back a cough that you just can't let escape; all lest you incur the man-cub's wrath. Something smells like poop, is it actually poop? Kicking and screaming, we take off the jammies. No poop just 1 million farts. Dixie turns to rigid wood as we attempt to put the jammies back on. Now thoroughly  enraged, there will be no sleep tonight.

I think we've been raised in a society that frowns upon candid honesty. No one wants to be the monster who says "man I hate this whole baby thing" but I can guarantee there isn't a person alive who actually enjoys being yelled at for no apparent reason for 9 hours straight. I will be that monster. I do not like this whole baby phase. Make no mistake, this doesn't mean that I hate her or wish I never had her, actually I really love her a lot she means everything to me but I don't like not being able to soothe her when she's mad, I don't like having to hold her all day long or else she is mad, and I don't like that she wakes up from naps screaming at 100%. I love when she smiles. I love when she coos and I love watching her play. I love when her big dark eyes meet mine and she lays her little hands upon my chest. I love when we play in the morning and her eyes widen and arms flail. The thing is because she is so young all those sweet quiet moments account for 15% of the time and the rest is outright screaming or trying my best to keep her from screaming, like constantly walking on eggshells. I know it's just a phase, and it's this phase that I hate, not her. I will be honest with everyone, make the distinction clear, and say that. I have pretty much already decided I will probably get my tubes tied in the future as I now know that I do not like babies.

Now I can understand those who do say "oh I miss that! It was so fast!" They aren't psychos, but if they had my baby, they would be. All babies cry, but some cry more than others. Some babies are little dolls, quiet sleepy, you set em down wherever and they are content to kick it by themselves. Dixie is a volatile substance, on the verge of explosion every minute of everyday. Thank god for baby wearing because most days I am literally unable to put her down. I've actually developed tendinitis in my left hand from having to hold her all day. My mom tells me that's how I was as a baby so I suppose this is divine justice. Now that she is over a month old she plays by herself for small, but increasing amounts of time. This time is aggravating, but also precious and thankfully fleeting.

I know this can be hard to believe for some of you because every time I take her to someone's house she's a sleepy angel. That's part of the trick. To make everyone believe she is always so nice. Liar baby, putting up fronts before her friends.

Ok but she's not all bad though. She spends a little more time playing by herself everyday. I've even been able to put her in her bassinet semi-awake now and she can fall asleep on her own, sometimes. She's still prone to start screaming if put down too soon, but that too is getting better. She used to hate baths and scream like we were beating her the entire time, she actually really enjoys them and that's always a really fun time now. As crazy as she's been, there's really nothing she can do but get better. She really is sweet and has a lot of adorable moments as well but I guess at the time I'm writing this blog it really just seems like the angry outnumbers the happy, but this is week 7 and according to every shred of parental literature this is the hardest time so we just have to hang tight.

This entry seems really back and forth as I reread it. The reason for this is because I wrote it over the course of several days. One night she will be a demon and the next morning I'm angrily sitting here like "Man I'm tired on an astral level. Dumb old baby what's her problem? Getting on mah nerves. She need to stop all this bullshit." *squinty accusational glare towards baby* *angry typing* "haha yeah what a little turd!"
But then the next day I reread this while she is quietly hugging my chest, gazing up at me with the sweetest of looks, after making happy noises and playing with her toys and I'm like "omg I don't mean any of this. Why would I say that about my sweet baby? This is horrible and untrue. nooooo." *apologetic frown* *remorseful typing* "awww I never meant any of that!"
So now you know. It's back and forth because that's how it is. That's how she is.

So in summation of this entry: anyone who says it's all roses is a damned liar and they are going to straight to baby hell for that.

Baby hell is like regular hell except I imagine there are inconsolable babies there.

Maybe I am in baby hell.