"In the beginning God created man..."

Well not really. In this story, the beginning was really an end.
It's not entirely true to say that this is my first pregnancy. I was briefly pregnant once before and it resulted in a miscarriage. I will never forget the stabbing pains and the messy crimson blood, being left alone in a hospital bed to wonder what was happening to me and my cell clump. By the time I was taken back for an ultrasound the little thing had already evacuated and I was let back into the world. I wondered why this had happened to me instead of someone else. Everyone I knew who had gotten pregnant had beautiful children with no complications, why was it that I had a traumatic experience instead? Well anyone who has access to Google knows that many women experience miscarriages, usually the cause is something as simple as a few messed up cells making the thing unable to survive and that's the way it goes. But just because you understand the science doesn't mean you feel any better about it. The worst part was people forcing sympathies on me. All kinds of useless, thoughtless, and heartless anecdotes meant to make me feel better or explain why it happened. "You just weren't ready." "It wasn't time yet" "God has a plan" A whole assortment of garbage from the mouths of my friends and family. It's no wonder I decided to withdraw.

For five years I didn't consider myself a woman. What good is a woman who is unable to bring life into the world? That's what we were designed for, but to fail at it made me feel like I was just a wraith. A meaningless occurrence, here on earth for no particular reason other than working dead-end jobs to afford a meager life till I decide to kill myself and end the monotony. In retrospect I guess I was being dramatic, but that's how I honestly felt. Anyway, five years later with the right man in the right place I became pregnant again. This is where we are today. If I didn't tell that back story you may not understand my lack of excitement. I'm thrilled yes, but only experiencing failure on my first attempt, I am hesitant to let myself feel elation. Until the baby is here, in my arms and doing well, I am withholding a lot of the giddiness that often accompanies most first-time mothers. Today I am 4 and a half months pregnant. Past the risks of miscarriages but I'm still wary of a stillbirth. The thing is I can't imagine being a mother. Usually when I can't imagine something ever happening, it doesn't happen but perhaps I can't imagine it because there is nothing like it and I won't know until it happens. Either way, the previous miscarriage has made me very morose through this pregnancy and at this point I wish I could just relax and be happy. All of my blood tests have been pretty good, despite high white blood cell count, all of my previous ultrasounds and heartbeats have been good, all screenings clear of any genetic mishaps, I'm active and feeling well in my second trimester so WHY can't I just stop worrying?  Maybe because this is what mothers do for their entire lives, worry.

I worry about a healthy birth almost as much as I worry about stillbirth. WHAT THE HELL DO WE DO NEXT? It's easy when you think vaguely about the essentials. A baby needs to poop, eat, be bathed, and sleep. So we need a crib, a working pair of ta-tas (hopefully mine will do), a plastic tub in the kitchen sink, and some diapers. Not too bad. Then we actually went to Toys R Us and looked at the baby stuff. "A crib" becomes double-decker convertible crib with 3 tier drawers and covered changing station, "working ta-tas" becomes million-dollar milker machine with dual suction and 3 suction speeds, warming bags, ergonomic bottles, and carrying case, "plastic tub" becomes baby's first luxury spa with massage jets and handheld shower head with 5 adjustable settings (why the hell does a baby need a massage anyway? Are they stressed out from all the sleeping, eating, and general relaxing they do?) and "poop catching butt bags" (diapers) come in so many variations I don't even know what to do. A lot of this baby stuff  has so many unnecessary frills I don't even know where to start. The best we can do is discuss what we want and what we don't want, do a little research, then make the purchase and see how it works in our family. As for the money to afford all this junk, I may just have to get my pregnant ass up on the pole!

So here ya go kids, here's how my pregnancy is going. Stressful, stressful. stressful.

The best I can do is take it one day at a time and tell myself that babies have been born and raised just fine before any of this junk was even invented. (How did your grandparents even survive being newborns without their "baby's first luxury spa?") We will find economic, environmentally conscious ways to give this baby what it needs.We are loving and hardworking, as a team you will never meet a closer couple, it's the biggest challenge yet but I'm sure Joshua and I can do it.
(besides jobless, lazy, welfare queen, knuckleheads have kids all the time, why not regular type knuckleheads?)