Time Traveling

I really wish I had started this blog earlier because telling the tale from the second trimester it seems like my life hasn't been affected all that much. I can relate to you the horrors and trials of the first trimester, but I'm afraid it won't be as genuine as if I was still experiencing it. Anyway I will do my best.

As I expressed in the previous blog I took the positive pregnancy test with a few heaping scoops of doubtfulness and protective cynicism. At the time I found out I was actually trying to plan my wedding. Just as there is a lot to plan and consider during pregnancy, I could've made a whole blog dedicated to wedding planning. Perhaps it would've helped as my plans never seemed "right." I love my family, I really do, but at times it seemed like we could never see eye-to-eye. Wedding planning was one of those times. When I chose a small venue at a nice place my parents insisted that distant relatives would be crushed if not invited, they scoffed at the price, and attempted to steer me to a dreary windowless courthouse closer to them. When I picked a large backyard location at my soon to be father-in-laws house you could see see the disgust behind their pursed lips, and the way they said "oh yeah ok this is nice" like their words were saturated with lemon juice. Anything I liked just wasn't good enough and I began to feel extremely exhausted with the whole process. The lovely dream in my head of people outside with me, all laughing and drinking, streamers and lights hanging from old oaks, flowers in my hair and a beautiful hi-low dress, it dried up like wet footprints in the Florida sun. Then I became pregnant and that dream was replaced with another, one where Joshua and I have a healthy child, and in the future that child will be there to participate in the wedding.

Today, the wedding is still on hold until the distant future. Of course after the pregnancy announcement there was all kinds of clever talk like "why did you postpone the wedding! If anything you should've moved it up!", "it's not expensive to sign the paper, just go to the courthouse!" and "haha you are supposed to wait until after you get married!" Well folks, this is my life and there is no road map, I take things as they come and that's the way it is. Why they believe I should just get the paper signed is beyond me, like our baby will be any less loved or cared for because we aren't courthouse official. To suggest that I just go ahead and get the paper is robbing me of the wedding experience. If you know me, you know I don't give a rat's ass about the courthouse or legal issues, the ONLY important thing IS the ceremony! The celebration! The memory created at such a monumental time. I'd even have a ceremony and NOT sign any paper. To push a hurried and unceremonious wedding on me during pregnancy is just disgusting.

Anyway, I got a little off-topic there. When I found out, I forgot all about the wedding planning and began to tentatively get the ball rolling on this whole pregnancy thing. At that time, Joshua was the only other person on earth who knew about it. I had decided I wouldn't tell a soul beside him until I knew the cell clump wouldn't kick it, that way in case of failure I could avoid the sickening chorus of "not your time! god blah blah! For the best..." So without any aid from real, more adulty-type adults I delved into government assistance and got accepted into WIC, foodstamps, Medicaid, and MomCare. I made an appointment with a midwife at North Florida Regional Medical Center and everything seemed to be going ok. In retrospect it might have been more wise to get real adults involved because I was not aware that I was still covered by my mom's rich people health insurance and now I have an $800 backlog of copays which I will never be paying and I can't use my medicaid only that shit which I can not afford :3 So I guess the moral of that is no matter how clever and put together you are, you still have to communicate with adult types. One way or another the world will have to say "I told you so, this is for the best!" Ugh I was so proud too. Couldn't I just have this? T^T

My first trimester was like holding in a horrible secret with no rewards for your diligence. You know you're pregnant but no one else does so no one is excited for you and you don't have the bump as proof. you have nothing but nausea.  I hid my exhaustion and morning sickness from coworkers, friends, and family while still being hounded about wedding plans, attending school, working full-time, and moving into a new place. I spent all of my spare time watching a gruesome crime show about people being kidnapped and murdered while mumbling under my breath about never letting my future child leave the house, I would always fall asleep and welcome nothingness as I never dream during naps.

I really have to give Joshua major good-boy points and an unlimited supply of chicken tennies because without so much as a second thought he began to work thrice as hard at the job and at home. I really also have to give my respects and astonishment to single mothers because I don't think I would've been able to survive this time on my own. Joshua moved our entire household by himself (save the fishtank, my family helped with that), began cooking meals regularly for me (despite the fact that nausea had made me a picky customer), and kept the house in the kind of working order I thrive on. I remember one time after coming home from Santa Fe a horrible, stomach churning smell greeted me at the front door. As I stepped inside, Joshua beamed at me from in the kitchen. "I made you dinner! I think this is my best curry yet!"  My heart sank. I love his cooking and I always try to be grateful and supportive of anything he does but at this time there was NO WAY that I could eat that stuff. Trying my very best not to be salty, I put on a stone solid poker face and make a little bowl. After one or two bits I nearly gagged so I sighed "I'm sorry, I just can't do this. It's too strong and it's gonna make me barf everywhere."  I expected him to be mad, after all a good curry is a lot of work and he did do it special for me. However he was more than understanding and even whipped me up a small alternative dish (which I have forgotten.) That night I knew I could count on Joshua to be there for me through this trying time as my unshakable foundation and ever-understanding near-husband type. He has been ever since.

The pregnancy beans got spilled one day at work when I was vomiting uncontrollably. I would run out of the building unannounced every fifteen minutes to barf in a trashcan outside and as I continued in this fashion I began to see my manager's face darken like she was getting ready to blow up on me for stepping out so much. Outside gasping through gags while doubled over a smelly trashcan, I decided it couldn't go on and I had to let her know. It seemed such an awkward thing to tell someone so it came out as a breathless run-on. "sorryIdidn'twanttotellyoulikethisbutIcan'tstopvomitingsoIthinkyoushouldknowthatI'mdoingitbecause.......I AM PREGNANT!" I gasped for air then stood there silently before her for some reason expecting a roar of anger. She responded with "oh shit! Well congrats, that's cool as fuck!" Later that day I ended up in the ER because the vomiting never stopped and it had never been that bad before. Turned out I had a case of Gastroenteritis.

In my first trimester I was fated to visit the ER once more, this time for a serious migraine causing more vomiting so I was unable to keep anything down for two days. Through this I learned that I really enjoy getting saline drip IV's.

That's all I have to say about that. Till next time.