Giving Up and Giving In

Well friends, I've been really busy with my anatomy class.

 Not sure if I discussed this with you all or not, but my plan was to get a quick certification in medical coding and billing so I could work from home with Dixie and make some decent money. Well that plan looked great on paper and quickly shut-up anyone when they asked "but what are you gonna do now?!" It made me sound clever and showed that I had forethought during this pregnancy to ensure that my daughter has a mother who was worth a crap. However I overlooked one slight detail in this plan. I forgot to factor in the truth, that I am dumb as a sack of bricks, and maybe after all might not be worth any single or multiple craps.

As Annie put it "we were unfortunate enough to grow up in a time where people told us that we could do anything and be anything we wanted if we just tried really really hard." Well I honestly believed that. I never wanted any job in any kind of medical because I don't want to help people and I'm not interested in the slightest, but I just wanted to make a decent living working from home and it seemed coding and billing fit that need. However even if you try really really hard you can't force a square peg in a round hole and you can't force a dumb dodo bird to learn anatomy in a single semester class.

I did believe that I was smart, now I believe that I was just cocky and I probably have a bright future ahead of me in the new and exciting career path of "crazed armed robber."
Until now there was never a class I couldn't pass if I had put forth any real amount of effort. The key there was putting forth effort at all, since I usually never cared enough to try. But for the previous exam I had studied and taken notes every single day, I have used quizlet, I have made flashcards, I have read the notes over and over, stared at this screen till I felt my eyes were going to bleed, then on the day of the exam I was relatively confident. Well next class period we were getting ready to take the second exam but not before we could take a look at our grade for the previous exam. All that preparation, all the confidence and I had just BARELY BARELY passed with a low C. The professor then explained that 2 questions everyone had gotten wrong so she gave us 4 extra points for free. Without those 4 points I probably would have failed. If you fail one exam you automatically fail the class. I even felt good about that exam.

Needless to say I wasn't half as confident about the 2nd exam and I am sure as shit that I have failed already. Yet here I am, studying, and taking notes, part of me still foolishly believing that I might have made it, like relatives of those in Hiroshima believed their loved ones may have survived the atomic bomb.

Anyhow scrapping what seemed like a good plan is tough, especially when you don't want to piss off your financial aid.

Discussing this with Joshua one night, he made an excellence point. "I know you're just doing this for Dixie but is it even right? I mean you've just got off medications for anxiety disorder so you decide to plunge into one of the hardest classes offered at Santa Fe while in your second trimester of pregnancy?" Well when he put it like that it made me realize that I was probably fooling myself all along and I will have to slide through this class and get an F or D (because dropping it will kill my financial aid) then figure something else out.

I will have to make other plans to make money. I could always hit the pole again, or just be a full blown prostitute, or maybe I should cook crystal meth...anyhow my horizons are still limitless as you can see thanks to my superior knowledge and excellent learning skills. Anyhow I guess I have a good while to get something started, even though she may be born into poverty, babies have no notion of socioeconomic classes and I have until she is maybe 5 or so until she realizes that her mother is a good-for-nothing dirtbag!

Ok so I am a great hairdresser. I could just get my license renewed and do that, but it's not from home and I don't like the scene. I'm not social (or particularly friendly) and I don't care about fashion, but I can give a great haircut and some fancy dye jobs and color corrections. If I'm desperate and I decide to sell my soul to fashionable Satan I will do it, but crazed armed robber is still higher on my list.

"So what about this blog?"

Well I can make money off it once it has been active for at least 6 months and that's if adsense even accepts it. There are so many mom blogs and lifestyle blogs out there, I read that they are no longer even eligible for adsense but still I have to believe. But have you even ever made money off of adsense? It's not a lot, I'm talking cents. If I really got it going and wanted to make real money I'd have to do whack shit like product endorsements and trial reviews and pimp my page out on every facet of the interwebs, and goof around on youtube like some pewdiepie or ray william johnson asshole. (I didn't capitalize their names because they don't deserve it) I'm hesitant at selling myself because I don't believe in endorsing poor products at rip-off prices. What do I really have to offer to the world anyway?
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My grandfather is a successful business man. He owns a local accounting firm and I've heard him casually discussing millions of dollars over the phone, more money than I will ever get my greasy hands on. Just yesterday he was discussing what it what like to have a family and he said "you know people are so busy nowadays working for this and that and trying to achieve goals and get the ball rolling on big projects- all for their family, but by the time they accomplish anything (if they ever accomplish anything) their children are all grown up and moved out. We shouldn't be so caught up in other things that we forget that family is what's most important."
Anyhow it gave me a glimmer of hope because I have no plan, no career path (that matches what I want), and my chance for education is drying up like a puddle in August, but I do have a family.